Not Ready

I made a hard discovery today... saying goodbye to your 6 month old grips your heart with grief. The length of time does not lessen the pain. I never imagined going away for the weekend would be this difficult.

As I drove Ella to daycare this afternoon, my heart literally ached. I reached into the backseat and just held her hand as we rode along. She did not fight my grip but yet seemed to understand it's purpose and just sat quietly and stared out the back window of my truck. Words abandoned me. All I could say was, " I love you Ella, I love you, I love you, I love you." over and over again. I didn't cry but I wanted to.

We pulled into daycare and I struggled to get out of the truck. Perhaps they just wouldn't notice my absence... Yes, I thought it. I unbuckled my seatbelt, got out of the truck, and made my way around to the passenger side to get Ella out of the backseat. As I reached to undo her safety belts, she looked up at me as to say, "Don't go Daddy." I choked the tears down and took her inside. As I expected she refused to give me any affection as I placed her in the exersaucer of her choosing. Play was for more interesting than Daddy saying goodbye. Besides, in her precious mind nothing was different today.

Today was different for me Ella and I am not ready. I'm not ready to say goodbye, for any amount of time. So, farewell for now. I will be back and I will be ready to see you and your mommy. I will be ready to love on you both and let you put my broken heart back together. I love you both. Will be home soon.

A Letter to My Child

Dear precious child,

At this moment, you find yourself warmly wrapped in the womb of your mother. Floating in fluid ever developing and taking shape to be a beautiful baby. Your mother and I anxiously await your arrival. I would be lying to say we think of much else but you. We have already developed a love for you far beyond your and even our comprehension.

We feel inadequate, unprepared, unready, and just simply at the mercy of God as to what to do with you. You are a special child, yes because you are our child. Your presence is already changing our lives and you haven't breathed your first breath outside the womb. My child you have brought abundant joy to our hearts and I assure you, we were pleasantly content before you were conceived and are even more so knowing you are on the way.

Our faces glow with smiles as we talk about you and plan for you. Our hearts know a new fulness and warmth as we pray for you everyday. I promise you child, you will know full well what it means to be loved, cared for, and adored. We do not promise you much materially, but we do promise you a wealth of hope and love.

I assure you even now we will make mistakes, we will screw up, but we will never stop loving you. You will find we are far from perfect, but we are honored to be your parents. We welcome you into our lives, our home, and our family. You are nothing less than a miracle and a blessing from the one and only God. We give honor and praise to Him who richly blessed us with this precious gift... we call our child. We know full well dear child you are only being lent to us, but what a privilege, one of which your mother and I will cherish forever. We love you and can't wait for you to join us. Godspeed.

With great pride and adoration,

Your Loving Father

When She Cries

Few things tear at my heart like the tears of my beloved wife. As her face streaks, my heart breaks. Her hurt becomes my hurt even when I don't fully understand it. Because we are one, I don't just share her pain... her pain is my pain.

Tonight as I watched the tears roll, her lips quiver, and body shake, I felt it. Even though she correctly assessed that I did not fully understand, I felt it. I fight back tears even now as I write.

This evening, as my wife spoke with sheer honesty about her day to day job, I began to realize the immense weight that she carries. Allow me to share a portion of her struggle:

I am charged with convincing a teenage boy with a non-curable disease, that he will be okay. That he will pull through. That everything will be just fine... And in a day I will turn him over to the care of someone else. Like its just that easy... It's sweet you try to understand, but you don't.

Yes dear, you couldn't be more right. As she spoke those words, I realized just how much I don't understand. Tonight, once again I am undone. Undone in the best but most challenging way. I married to a magnificent woman, who I under appreciate and unintentionally neglect. Forgive me for my stupidity, dearest one.

My wife is my hero... a superhuman, who cares, truly cares about her patients. She takes patient care to whole new level. She actually cares about the patient (this in no way implies others don't).

Life and death are more than just sayings in her line of work. Life and death are realities she works in. Life and death are her profession. No, I do not understand. I love this woman... with all that I am and all that I have. What an honor to be called her husband. I am glad I get to be by her side... when she cries.