Not Ready

I made a hard discovery today... saying goodbye to your 6 month old grips your heart with grief. The length of time does not lessen the pain. I never imagined going away for the weekend would be this difficult.

As I drove Ella to daycare this afternoon, my heart literally ached. I reached into the backseat and just held her hand as we rode along. She did not fight my grip but yet seemed to understand it's purpose and just sat quietly and stared out the back window of my truck. Words abandoned me. All I could say was, " I love you Ella, I love you, I love you, I love you." over and over again. I didn't cry but I wanted to.

We pulled into daycare and I struggled to get out of the truck. Perhaps they just wouldn't notice my absence... Yes, I thought it. I unbuckled my seatbelt, got out of the truck, and made my way around to the passenger side to get Ella out of the backseat. As I reached to undo her safety belts, she looked up at me as to say, "Don't go Daddy." I choked the tears down and took her inside. As I expected she refused to give me any affection as I placed her in the exersaucer of her choosing. Play was for more interesting than Daddy saying goodbye. Besides, in her precious mind nothing was different today.

Today was different for me Ella and I am not ready. I'm not ready to say goodbye, for any amount of time. So, farewell for now. I will be back and I will be ready to see you and your mommy. I will be ready to love on you both and let you put my broken heart back together. I love you both. Will be home soon.

Never Let Go

Occasionally, one will find themselves lost in a moment, caught up in something they never saw coming or even fully understood why or even what was happening. That moment happened to me this evening.

As I drove Ella home from a brief visit with Mommy at the hospital, I reached over to secure the pacy in Ella’s mouth when as I was letting go she grabbed my finger. Her four long, precious fingers locked around mine. She locked her grip with her little thumb. Tears welled up in my eyes as I felt her grip tighten. Her little fingers pressed firmly around mine effectively communicated that her intention was to never let go. She needed her daddy and holding his finger was just enough to satisfy. As she squeezed my finger it was as if she was saying to me, “Daddy, never let go.” I whispered to my daughter that I would never let go. Actually, there is no way I could ever let go.

Indeed, I will never let go of the love that I feel for her. I will never let go of the joy she brings to my life. I will never let go of the precious smile that lights up the room. I will never let go the happiness that I can’t even begin to explain. I will never let go of the precious gift of life I have been generously given. I will never let go of you Ella. You have my heart, my life little one... I beg you, never let go.

open thoughts

I am making the realization that there truly is a difference between life-change and transformation.

On January 26 I experienced life change. Last Tuesday Sara and I welcomed our precious daughter Ella into our world and our family. No ifs, ands, or buts about it... Life changed. In a great way I might add. The moment Ella was born I became a dad, a biological dad. See for me that was a life change. I changed from just a husband to a dad as well.

I am realizing, however, that I did not become a father at that moment. Sure maybe in title, but not for real. I am only beginning to realize that I have been and continue to be transformed into a father. As you well know transformation doesn't happen in an instant(as much as my generation has come to expect). Transformation doesn't even happen overnight. Transformation is a a process, an ongoing and active process. It requires time, a good bit of it actually. Quite frankly, I am good with that time requirement.

I am ready to learn along the way. I am prepared for it not to come naturally and that I will have to work for it. I believe I will survive and be the better for it.

I give thanks that fatherhood is not only life-changing but a transformational experience. One that I will cherish forever.

Do you think there is a difference between life-change and transformation? Let me know in the comments.

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

Play Time

Sara and I decided tonight that the reason Ella has postponed her entrance to the world is due to a lack of play on our part. We did not come to this conclusion lightly. Allow me to explain.

The past few days, Ella has been toying with us. Playing with our minds and emotions. One would think she had read the textbook on things to do before birth. She was meeting all the right indicators... everything seemed in place for the big event. The stage was set but the star of the show got cold feet.

This evening as Sara was getting ready to go to work, we decided that two could "play" this game. We tag-teamed. Determined that if play is what she wanted play is what she would get. We spent close to probably 30 to 45 minutes just poking her and pushing her back and forth (gently of course). All the while, she played back. A kick here, a shift there, at one point we even got her to put her legs back under her belly (we know this because we couldn't find the leg anywhere). That's when we realized Ella was done with play time. The mommy and daddy were fun but enough was enough. She needed her beauty rest I suppose, either that or we bored her.

The reality at this point is Sara will continue playing the game. Ella doesn't realize how competitive her mommy is and can be. Ella raised the stakes. Now, the mommy is playing for keeps or at least to start labor. It will be interesting to see who gives first. Both parties involved, I know, are strong-willed and determined. Neither of them will get the best of the other easily. The game is on. Both Sara and Ella are in it to win it. The good news for Sara, Ella's already got a head down (yes, she's head down). The good news for Ella, play time happens regardless if she's in the womb or out. Ella, mommy and daddy are ready for some real play time on this side of things. Join us and see just how much fun we can be. We dare you.

Considering options...

So, upon thinking about the situation, I realized Ella has no real incentive to leave her current location. Why would you want to leave a consistently warm place, where your every need is met at your demand. Sure, it's an itty bitty living space, but the essentials are there and you don't have to work for any of it. Movement for the most part tends to be effortless thanks to all of the fluid you're floating in. You pack on pounds daily and get this... it's expected. Someone observes you from a distance and gets absurdly excited about every little thing you do. The only downside is you occasionally have to entertain the sudden bump from people pushing on you to feel you move or kick. So your personal space gets invaded on occasion... big deal right?

The way I see it, Ella finds herself considering her options at this moment. Leave the warm known for a most uncertain unknown. Do I really want to join these two crazy people on the outside who keep referring to themselves as "mommy" and "daddy" respectively. I can hear her thoughts now, "the mommy one seems to be okay. It appears that I am closest to her. Pretty sure that's her heartbeat I hear. Either that or somebody keeps a really good beat. I'm also pretty sure she's the one taking care of me, making sure I get what I need. It's that daddy guy I'm not certain about. The daddy's voice sounds different... sounds deeper. I find it soothing actually. The daddy keeps saying I'm his little girl, I'm not sure what that is, but I know I like to hear him talk. I've heard the mommy and daddy talking a good bit now and I know one thing for sure they laugh a lot at this thing called Jack. I've also heard them talk about loving one another and I'm pretty sure that's a good thing. My only concern... the daddy makes up weird songs and his singing is ah, okay at best... I'm afraid that may embarrass me a little. It clearly embarrasses the mommy."

Clearly, Ella needs to consider her options. Deciding to join Sara and I out her in the real world is a big decision and not one that should be rushed. You weigh those options sweetheart. The mommy and the daddy will be here waiting, albeit impatiently and anxiously. This not the time to be like your mother... just make up your mind. That's a joke Ella. Jokes are those things that the mommy and the daddy laugh about sometimes. Take your time, just get here quickly would you!

The reality being, the joke is on the mommy and the daddy. Ella runs the show and she knows it. She already thrives off that attention and power. Oh my, our lives are ruined... in the best way possible of course. Just know little Ella, your current living space is only going to get smaller and smaller... think about that.

Failed Escape

Little Ella has been actively attempting to make her escape as of late. However, she seems to be as hard headed as her father and neglects to ask for directions. The past few nights, Sara and I have been entertained by Ella pushing hard against Sara's belly to the point, you can tell she can't stretch any further, neither will Sara's skin. I must clarify, the experience has been entertaining for me, painful for Sara.

I commented to Sara that it almost seems that Ella pulls on the umbilical cord in hopes that it will release her from her one bedroom apartment. Or she's attempting to repel out of the womb with it. I can't tell you how many times we have told her that she won't fit through Sara's belly button. Our communication with her is as futile as her countless attempts to escape using proven failed routes and methods. I must admit, I appreciate her imagination and ingenuity but I wish she would ditch the stubbornness. I am fearful of what it means for us once she arrives.

Two nights ago, we caught her in the act. While she pushed relentlessly against Sara's belly, we actually caught her foot (take my word for it, it was a foot). After Sara kindly pointed out where the foot was I immediately grabbed it. You could tell this caught Ella by surprise. She quickly jerked her foot back and kicked back as if to say, "Hey cut that out!" I can only imagine she got this mean look on her face, rolled her eyes, and crossed her arms in disgust all the while thinking to herself, "What nerve those crazy folks have... grabbing my foot. Who do they think they are, that's my foot."

Our little one continues to make her presence known even in her absence. The Lord only knows, what type of show she will put on once she arrives. If she entertains us this much now, I can only imagine the countless hours of sheer joy and excitement we will experience once she's here. Until then, we wait and I attempt to catalogue the memories.

A Leg Up

The other night, while Sara and I waited for her parents to arrive, we got an unexpected surprise. As we sat on the couch watching our dog Jack be frightened to death by a purple exercise ball, Ella decided to be active. She squirmed, kicked, and shifted almost as if she was playing jump rope with her umbilical cord. Sara's belly looked like she had been possessed by some stomach alien that desperately sought to get out.

The unexpected surprise came when we actually felt out an appendage. We could actually feel one of Ella's limbs. Sara thinks it was an arm, I believe it to have been a leg, neither of us are certain one way or the other. But we are certain it wasn't a butt, back, or head. Talk about a fun experience... I think I goosed Ella's knee. She must take after my Granddaddy. He's real sensitive on his knees. I say that because as soon as I pinched what I believe to be a leg, she immediately drew it back. As quickly as we discovered the limb, it disappeared. Ella thought she had gotten a leg up on us... okay, so she did. Nonetheless, we are thankful to have had a that brief moment to feel our precious little girl's leg (or arm) even if we did goose her.

I realize this probably seems insignificant to most people, but to Sara and I it was a moment to cherish. A simple moment of joy. A simple moment of love. A simple moment where we connected with our developing baby, our little girl. In our world, that's huge. In our world, that moment had meaning because we got to share it together. Our simple experience may not give us a leg up in parenting but at least it gives us a leg up in memories we will never forget. Thanks Ella for getting a leg up and letting us connect with you and each other.

A Letter to My Child

Dear precious child,

At this moment, you find yourself warmly wrapped in the womb of your mother. Floating in fluid ever developing and taking shape to be a beautiful baby. Your mother and I anxiously await your arrival. I would be lying to say we think of much else but you. We have already developed a love for you far beyond your and even our comprehension.

We feel inadequate, unprepared, unready, and just simply at the mercy of God as to what to do with you. You are a special child, yes because you are our child. Your presence is already changing our lives and you haven't breathed your first breath outside the womb. My child you have brought abundant joy to our hearts and I assure you, we were pleasantly content before you were conceived and are even more so knowing you are on the way.

Our faces glow with smiles as we talk about you and plan for you. Our hearts know a new fulness and warmth as we pray for you everyday. I promise you child, you will know full well what it means to be loved, cared for, and adored. We do not promise you much materially, but we do promise you a wealth of hope and love.

I assure you even now we will make mistakes, we will screw up, but we will never stop loving you. You will find we are far from perfect, but we are honored to be your parents. We welcome you into our lives, our home, and our family. You are nothing less than a miracle and a blessing from the one and only God. We give honor and praise to Him who richly blessed us with this precious gift... we call our child. We know full well dear child you are only being lent to us, but what a privilege, one of which your mother and I will cherish forever. We love you and can't wait for you to join us. Godspeed.

With great pride and adoration,

Your Loving Father