Never Let Go

Occasionally, one will find themselves lost in a moment, caught up in something they never saw coming or even fully understood why or even what was happening. That moment happened to me this evening.

As I drove Ella home from a brief visit with Mommy at the hospital, I reached over to secure the pacy in Ella’s mouth when as I was letting go she grabbed my finger. Her four long, precious fingers locked around mine. She locked her grip with her little thumb. Tears welled up in my eyes as I felt her grip tighten. Her little fingers pressed firmly around mine effectively communicated that her intention was to never let go. She needed her daddy and holding his finger was just enough to satisfy. As she squeezed my finger it was as if she was saying to me, “Daddy, never let go.” I whispered to my daughter that I would never let go. Actually, there is no way I could ever let go.

Indeed, I will never let go of the love that I feel for her. I will never let go of the joy she brings to my life. I will never let go of the precious smile that lights up the room. I will never let go the happiness that I can’t even begin to explain. I will never let go of the precious gift of life I have been generously given. I will never let go of you Ella. You have my heart, my life little one... I beg you, never let go.

A Look into My Life (Social Media Style)

As I have been reflecting on the recent birth of my daughter, I cannot get over how social media and modern technology allowed me the opportunity to share the life-changing event with my community. I got to enjoy the full experience of watching the miracle of life and yet got to keep family and friends in the loop as events occurred.

After making the realization that my community got share in the moment, my heart was immediately warmed and I knew I was a part of something bigger than myself and the moment. I was connected to loved ones even though I was completely caught up in the moment.

People were able to meet my precious girl almost moments after she first entered the world, even though they were no where near the event. AT&T probably felt a measurable SMS and MMS surge as text message flew in and out of my phone all day. I lit up my Twitter and Facebook feeds all day. I posted pictures and updates as quickly as humanly possible. My feeds were a stream of consciousness as I watched my life-change before my eyes. My mind and heart exploded onto social media and my community got to be a part if they so choose.

Why do I find this happening interesting you ask? In my honest opinion, I found a way to involve others into my life and my life-changing event without missing a thing. It also revealed to me how much people I am connected to care and want to be involved in my life. I don't want to down play the importance of actual interaction with others, but this was as close as many I know could get and I was happy to have them there.

How has social media and/or technology impacted your life?

open thoughts

I am making the realization that there truly is a difference between life-change and transformation.

On January 26 I experienced life change. Last Tuesday Sara and I welcomed our precious daughter Ella into our world and our family. No ifs, ands, or buts about it... Life changed. In a great way I might add. The moment Ella was born I became a dad, a biological dad. See for me that was a life change. I changed from just a husband to a dad as well.

I am realizing, however, that I did not become a father at that moment. Sure maybe in title, but not for real. I am only beginning to realize that I have been and continue to be transformed into a father. As you well know transformation doesn't happen in an instant(as much as my generation has come to expect). Transformation doesn't even happen overnight. Transformation is a a process, an ongoing and active process. It requires time, a good bit of it actually. Quite frankly, I am good with that time requirement.

I am ready to learn along the way. I am prepared for it not to come naturally and that I will have to work for it. I believe I will survive and be the better for it.

I give thanks that fatherhood is not only life-changing but a transformational experience. One that I will cherish forever.

Do you think there is a difference between life-change and transformation? Let me know in the comments.

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

Giving My Seconds to God

So, everyone talks about giving God your firsts, your best, your everything... I confess, I struggle with giving God this stuff, I am a selfish and incredibly lazy person. However, this morning I've been challenged to give God something else. Frank C. Laubach in Letters by a Modern Mystic* outlines a process, no an adventure, in giving your seconds to God.

Seconds, do not seem like a lot. And I will be honest giving seconds sounds more doable thangiving God my hours. The challenge is bringing God to mind for at least one second each minute. I don't know about you, but generally speaking if I think of something for one second, that thought has a tendency to linger. Like that stupid song that gets stuck in your head... yeah you know when that one word is said or thought and suddenly you find yourself singing that phrase of song for the next 30 minutes... happens to me all of the time. So, I am praying today that God will be the song that gets stuck in my head and I hope I can't shake it.

I believe this new adventure serves as an answer to my recent struggle. As of late, I have been exceptionally gifted in squandering time as opposed to making time. I could call this problem a whole bunch of things but the simple fact is I've been complacent and lazy. Today, it's time to get to work. Besides, who doesn't love a good adventure. It breaks up the monotony of everyday life. I'm up for that. You?

I am starting my adventure today, I invite you to join me. Let's give our seconds to God. No, not the leftovers, but our seconds. Let it begin with one second of every minute. Think on God, get Him in your mind, and let's pray His being there even for one second stains our thought process all day. I will be sharing my experience of giving my seconds and becoming undone here. Share yours with me here as well... leave comments and let's do this adventure together.

* Letters by a Modern Mystic by Frank C. Laubach. This is one of the books I'm currently processing. It's a small, very digestable book. It highlights the giving God your seconds process but also the journey Frank took during the most lonesome and depressing time of his life... being a missionary. The joy in his life jumps off the pages. Incredible. Pick this little treasure up.

When Reality Hits

I feel like everyone I have ever spoken with has these moments, I mean, I hope it's not just me, but you get that overwhelming feeling of reality. You know what I mean... that moment reality plops right down in front of you and smacks you in the face. I have come to realize and embrace that this feeling comes out of nowhere. It's on no timetable. It just happens. Much like that catchy little slogan for feces.

This morning as I was getting ready for the day, it happened. Reality hit. For those of you who missed it Sara and I are going to be parents. January 29, 2010 is the big day. Somewhere near that day and time we will welcome a little person in the world, into our home, and into our family. Here are some of the things that crossed my mind this morning as reality hit me with a left hook:

Alan, you do well to take care of yourself and another human being who is most capable of caring for theirself, what are you going to do with one that relies solely on YOU! I imagined holding this little person in my arms and making the realization that there was an equal part of me and equal part of Sara and yet this little baby would be its own person, wonderfully made weaved together miraclously by the Great Creator and Life Giver (Yahweh). He/She will grow up exceptionally faster than I can imagine. He/she will change the way Sara and I do life together, in the best sense I know. This fragile little being will be our responsibility. What?! God, I know and understand you KNOW everything and order things in such a way that Your will will be accomplished. But...?

Then, I couldn't think of the question I needed or even wanted to ask. The silence fell in my mind. Reality had hit hard and I looked like one of the losers after a UFC fight. Dazed and confused. Wondering where I was and what in the world just happened. Here's the best part though, just as quickly as reality landed its breath-taking blow, peace rushed on me like rain. Yeah maybe it was just being in the shower, but it was a real experience. My mind cleared and I heard a small, still voice say, "You will be okay. As will your child, my child." Yes, that happened this morning.

What I realized in all of this is how thankful I am that the God who orchestrates reality, exists within it to not only empowers us to withstand reality's striking blows, but equips us to live in and through reality. And oh yeah, walks with us all the way. That's what I call AWESOME!!!

Share your Reality hitting moment by leaving a comment.

A Conversation of Meaning

This evening, I wandered outside to check on my tomatoes and get a breath of fresh air. The cool evening air gently laid lightly against my skin. The dark night brought the humble reminder that another day was not just passing but had indeed passed.

As I made toward the back door to head in for the night, a faint whistle caught my attention. I looked back over the fence that separates my yard from my neighbors and could not determine where the whistle originated. The floodlights off my back porch only illuminated my side of the yard, so I totally missed my next door neighbor standing out behind his house waving me down. I walked up to our metal rusting fence and leaned in, and waited for him to make his way over.

Slowly, the dark shape of a tall, lanky man took form to reveal my white haired, cordial neighbor. I reached over the fence to shake his hand. He kindly asked, "How are you?" "Well." I responded. "Wish I could say the same..." His statement surprised me. I believe my face gave me away to him. "Yeah, going away for a few days." "Yeah, where you headed?" "Don't know, my wife is driving. Somewhere in Indiana." "Oh, okay." I sheepishly remarked. "Had to have a shunt put in this week. You know what that is?" "I do." I replied. "Yeah, need to just get away. Get somethings straightened out." "Well, I can only imagine." He stared blankly right past me. "Doc says I should be okay. I hope so." I could hear the doubt in the voice. He even gave one of those fearful laughs. Not really knowing what to say I responded, "Well, I am sure that's the plan." "Yeah, sure is." He then turned his gaze towards me and while I looked him right in the eye I said, "We will be thinking about you." "That means a lot... thank you."

Changing the subject he asked how Sara and I were doing. I told him the good news about Sara being pregnant. A smile lit up his face. "That's great! I know you both are excited." "We certainly are." "That's why you live there." He pointed to my house. "Yeah, apparently it's a fruitful place. The past two owners have had two children while living in the house." "Really..." he said. You could see the gears turning as he tried to remember who all had lived in the house. He spouted off a few last names, then returned his gaze to somewhere in the distance behind me. "I'll be sure to tell my wife... and my boy of course." "Please do." I said with a smile on my face.

About that time, my floodlights cut off and the dark night overcame us. My neighbor said, "I guess that's a sign." While he was getting the words out he started falling over towards the fence. His yard is on a hill just above mine so he was standing a good two feet above where I was standing. I reached over and placed my hand on his thin, frail arm. "Are you alright?" I asked with great concern in my voice. "Yeah, yeah... I'm fine. I'm fine." His voice seasoned with stubbornness. He pushed himself back from the fence to level ground and clumsily made his way back to his back door. "Have a good trip." I commented. "A safe trip is all I ask for." He bid me good evening and turned in for the night. I stood there for a few moments, leaning against the fence, contemplating the conversation that had just taken place.

I could and still can't get the image of his pale, aged face as he said the words, "That means a lot... thank you." He his hopeless gaze warmed and I saw sparks of life resurface. I would have sworn I saw a physical weight lift from his worn and weak shoulders. I suppose he knew I meant what I said. He was a totally different person when I told him the news about our baby. You would have thought I he was this kid's grandparent. Pure delight struck his whole being. I kid you not. It was cool to watch. The man that came to the fence had been replaced by one who somehow, someway remembered life and that it had meaning. I won't soon get over that.

The conversation was short and sweet. I suspect it took no more than five minutes for all that I just described to transpire. But, I can't get over the fact that a simple conversation had such meaning. In all honestly, it would not have meant so much to me had I not seen how much it meant to him. I encourage you... give your conversations meaning... mean them.

A Letter to My Child

Dear precious child,

At this moment, you find yourself warmly wrapped in the womb of your mother. Floating in fluid ever developing and taking shape to be a beautiful baby. Your mother and I anxiously await your arrival. I would be lying to say we think of much else but you. We have already developed a love for you far beyond your and even our comprehension.

We feel inadequate, unprepared, unready, and just simply at the mercy of God as to what to do with you. You are a special child, yes because you are our child. Your presence is already changing our lives and you haven't breathed your first breath outside the womb. My child you have brought abundant joy to our hearts and I assure you, we were pleasantly content before you were conceived and are even more so knowing you are on the way.

Our faces glow with smiles as we talk about you and plan for you. Our hearts know a new fulness and warmth as we pray for you everyday. I promise you child, you will know full well what it means to be loved, cared for, and adored. We do not promise you much materially, but we do promise you a wealth of hope and love.

I assure you even now we will make mistakes, we will screw up, but we will never stop loving you. You will find we are far from perfect, but we are honored to be your parents. We welcome you into our lives, our home, and our family. You are nothing less than a miracle and a blessing from the one and only God. We give honor and praise to Him who richly blessed us with this precious gift... we call our child. We know full well dear child you are only being lent to us, but what a privilege, one of which your mother and I will cherish forever. We love you and can't wait for you to join us. Godspeed.

With great pride and adoration,

Your Loving Father

The Problem with Kindaness

It appears there is an epidemic sweeping our society called, kindaness. Kindaness: I kinda want to be nice. I kinda don't. I knida don't care. I kinda care. I kinda want to help. I kinda don't. I kinda see your point. I kinda don't. Perhaps you only kinda get my point. You see what I mean. The uncertainity has left all of us rambling, confused, and somewhat insecure.

Kindaness came to my mind today as I was at the United Dairy Farmer right down the road from my home. I entered the store and noticed as I entered the door a gentleman no more than 10 years older than myself was just a few strides behind me. I decided that I would hold the door for him. A simple gesture of kindness... a forgotten common courtesy if you ask me (But of course you did not and why would you). As he rushed for the door because he noticed I held it for him, our eyes met and I saw it... Kindaness. You could see the wheels turning... I'm kinda glad you held the door. I kinda wonder if you have an alterior motive. I kinda think you might just have wanted to be nice. I'm kinda not sure. You could say he felt kinda confused. I don't blame him.

I kinda wondered the same. I kinda thought I might not hold the door before I walked in. I kinda felt what's the point. But as I processed that interaction, I realized people in general kinda have a problem with kindness. I am not sure if its due to fear, uncertainity, or just plain laziness. We act as if kindness is kinda difficult, maybe even kind of wrong. Kindaness is the in between place we find ourselves. We kinda want to be kind, we kinda don't. We also find it exceptionally difficult to put into practice Jesus' kinda odd words in Luke 6:27-3:

“But to you who are willing to listen, I say, love your enemies! Do good to those who hate you. Bless those who curse you. Pray for those who hurt you. If someone slaps you on one cheek, offer the other cheek also. If someone demands your coat, offer your shirt also. Give to anyone who asks; and when things are taken away from you, don’t try to get them back. (NLT)

Show kindness, do good, give away. What in the world? That kinda makes me sick to think about. Those words kinda fly against everything my society has led me to believe. However, more and more attention is given to the topic of kindness. If you paid any attention to commercials right before and after the election... the main message presented: help, do good, show kindness. Be the changing agent yourself. Act.

It strikes me kinda funny that there really is a problem with kindaness. My suggestion for a cure: You need to just kinda get over it and be kind. Take two and call me in the morning. By the way, undone ones suffer from this sickness as much as anyone. But as we are made aware... we realize just how undone we truly are. No friends, we are not kinda done. We are still completely undone. Enjoy the journey, it's kinda fun.

Change

Change... it comes and it goes. Some put change in a cup, or a piggy bank, they cherish it, they save it. These individuals know and understand change, even though seemingly insignificant it can add up over time and be incredibly valuable, well worth enduring.

For others, change is not so well received. In these individual's mind, change is meaningless and serves no purpose. They find change an annoyance, something to keep up with, leaves an odd odor, and draws attention to them because of the noise it makes when several pieces collide together. Change provides no value and therefore seems worthless to bear.

The change I speaks of really has nothing to do with money. Sure, the amount you have or do not have could play a part in the change you experience. The change I refer to here has to do with life change... simple and complex. At this moment in my life, I am discovering that the only real constant in life (in mine and in general) is change. Think about it this way: You experience a certain change in your life, whether sudden or delayed, after a period of time you adjust to this so-called change. The moment you move from uneasy to comfortable with the recent change you experience in essence experience change yet again. The moment you have adopted to that change, ah yes, you guessed it change happens once more. Change, the constant variable.

However, as astonishing as that last thought may have been, my fascination with change runs a bit deeper. We are in need of change. Whether any of us recognize this fact or not, the truth remains... we need and must have change. Change allows for growth (whether that be physical, mental, spiritually, etc). Change brings new perspective of which we all need to see. You would never know the thrill of riding your favorite roller coaster if you never changed your position from standing in line to actually getting on the ride. You would never know how good a certain food that you love is unless you changed your mind, and changed the location of the food from your plate to your mouth. You would also never change from hungry to satisfied. Just think, if you did not change shirts just how rotten your smell and appearance would be?

Change a necessary evil, or fundamental good? Sure, I agree, most likely change is both. Not all change has positive results. You change moods and hurt other's feelings. You change medicines and turns out they aren't for your diagnosed issue. You change jobs only to find that you are not has happy as you were. You change from being married to single or vice versa.

I can not say with certainty all change is indeed good. I can say change is a sure thing. So if I were you, I would put all my money (or change) on change. You bank on change you will never be guessing. You will know it is coming. Embrace change, it will happen, who I am kidding,do not be so surprise to realize change is happening now whether you want it to or not. However, I guarantee if you bet on change, you will leave with more than just spare change. You will be able to not only face change, but do so boldly and with a good spirit, you will bear it.

I'm not much of a gambler, but I am letting it ride and I am going all in on... change.

Loss

As human beings, we understand loss as a certainty. However, we most often experience it as an unwelcome event in our lives. Whether we lose something as simple as a set of keys or the remote control, or even something as major as a loss of a job or family member it is rarely convenient or well accepted. One could say that loss of any kind leaves us undone.

My family currently mourns the loss of a young family member. A tragic loss for us for sure. Oddly, death has the unique power to draw families together even more so than just living. Suddenly, our minds and hearts begin to grasp just how fragile and significant the life is in our current finite state. We realize that now our lives will be different because of the recent loss. The void is real. The pain is felt and shared. The experience grips you. Loss becomes real. We know if only for a brief moment the meaning of being undone. Our hearts... undone. Our minds... undone. Our love... undone. Our pain... undone. Our tears... undone. Our relationship... undone. Yes, in loss we are undone.

Grief and mourning are proper and need to be experienced and processed in a timely fashion. The question I pose: In our undone state, will we be trapped in the loss? Or will we embrace life and the lives around us revealing just how undone we are?

When She Cries

Few things tear at my heart like the tears of my beloved wife. As her face streaks, my heart breaks. Her hurt becomes my hurt even when I don't fully understand it. Because we are one, I don't just share her pain... her pain is my pain.

Tonight as I watched the tears roll, her lips quiver, and body shake, I felt it. Even though she correctly assessed that I did not fully understand, I felt it. I fight back tears even now as I write.

This evening, as my wife spoke with sheer honesty about her day to day job, I began to realize the immense weight that she carries. Allow me to share a portion of her struggle:

I am charged with convincing a teenage boy with a non-curable disease, that he will be okay. That he will pull through. That everything will be just fine... And in a day I will turn him over to the care of someone else. Like its just that easy... It's sweet you try to understand, but you don't.

Yes dear, you couldn't be more right. As she spoke those words, I realized just how much I don't understand. Tonight, once again I am undone. Undone in the best but most challenging way. I married to a magnificent woman, who I under appreciate and unintentionally neglect. Forgive me for my stupidity, dearest one.

My wife is my hero... a superhuman, who cares, truly cares about her patients. She takes patient care to whole new level. She actually cares about the patient (this in no way implies others don't).

Life and death are more than just sayings in her line of work. Life and death are realities she works in. Life and death are her profession. No, I do not understand. I love this woman... with all that I am and all that I have. What an honor to be called her husband. I am glad I get to be by her side... when she cries.

Freedom

As I watched the graphic novel turned movie, 300, a quote struck me. As King Leonidas wrestles with the decision to go and break the Greek law he swore to protect and honor, his wife, the queen, counters him with a powerful line: "It is not a question of what a Spartan citizen should do, or a husband, or a king. It's to ask yourself, dearest love... What should a free man do?" What should a free man do?

In reality, most of us can can't ask ourselves the question Leonidas' queen asks. Why? I am so glad you asked. You see, the majority of us, do not accept freedom. We love our bondage. Our bondage may be simple and petty, but in many cases it keeps us grounded. One's bondage could be something blatant like illegal drugs or murder. Or it could be something as innocent as the occasional slip of the tongue or mere self-righteousness. It could be an action we feel gives us the power to "stick it to the man" or a sheer act of unequivocal disobedience. It could be nothing more than gluttony or plain laziness. It may be unmentionable or down-right despicable. It could appear justified and valiant, but wrongly motivated all the same. But one typically does not have to dig deep to find their chains. I will say it again, most of us prefer them.

But why, I ask. What about our chains, our bondage is so inviting? Why do we find our defiance of freedom so tantalizing? Are we afraid of the rush we will find in freedom? Do we fear the unknown and the unpredictable to the point we will endure torture and shame? I warn you, friend... it is unneccessary. Take it from one who has tasted freedom. NO, I do not mean a free country, where you are bound by often times unseemingly senseless laws and even logical, necessary ones. I mean real freedom. Freedom from detestable self-bonding chains. Freedom that exhilirates the mind, the heart, and the spirit. Freedom that eliminates shame, guilt, and oh yeah security.

Believe it friends. The freedom I speak of is far from safe. It will cost you. How much you ask? Well probably everything but that's really nothing. Life is all any one has and the freedom of which I speak provides you with life in an overflowing, never-ending reservoir of life. But you have to ask yourself a real question... I am ready to truly live? I am ready to be totally free? I explicitly warn you not to accept an offer to life and freedom unless you are ready give up your bondage. Because, oh by the way, you will be asked to leave it at the check-in desk before you crossover.

If you are ready to live, then follow me. The preceeding line is not a call from AO. That prhase came from the mouth of Christ as he spoke to his disciples. That's what Christ said to me. That's what Christ says to you. Oh yeah, He's talking to you, kid! If you are ready to discover and explore and what a free man should do, then join me in the journey. The good news remains, we do not have to answer the quetion alone. I encourage you brothers and sisters alike, if you are ready to live or just desire to know more leave a comment, email me (brotherao@gmail.com), pull me aside, get my attention, just let me know. P.S. You have been warned.