As I drove Ella to daycare this afternoon, my heart literally ached. I reached into the backseat and just held her hand as we rode along. She did not fight my grip but yet seemed to understand it's purpose and just sat quietly and stared out the back window of my truck. Words abandoned me. All I could say was, " I love you Ella, I love you, I love you, I love you." over and over again. I didn't cry but I wanted to.
We pulled into daycare and I struggled to get out of the truck. Perhaps they just wouldn't notice my absence... Yes, I thought it. I unbuckled my seatbelt, got out of the truck, and made my way around to the passenger side to get Ella out of the backseat. As I reached to undo her safety belts, she looked up at me as to say, "Don't go Daddy." I choked the tears down and took her inside. As I expected she refused to give me any affection as I placed her in the exersaucer of her choosing. Play was for more interesting than Daddy saying goodbye. Besides, in her precious mind nothing was different today.
Today was different for me Ella and I am not ready. I'm not ready to say goodbye, for any amount of time. So, farewell for now. I will be back and I will be ready to see you and your mommy. I will be ready to love on you both and let you put my broken heart back together. I love you both. Will be home soon.
