When She Cries

Few things tear at my heart like the tears of my beloved wife. As her face streaks, my heart breaks. Her hurt becomes my hurt even when I don't fully understand it. Because we are one, I don't just share her pain... her pain is my pain.

Tonight as I watched the tears roll, her lips quiver, and body shake, I felt it. Even though she correctly assessed that I did not fully understand, I felt it. I fight back tears even now as I write.

This evening, as my wife spoke with sheer honesty about her day to day job, I began to realize the immense weight that she carries. Allow me to share a portion of her struggle:

I am charged with convincing a teenage boy with a non-curable disease, that he will be okay. That he will pull through. That everything will be just fine... And in a day I will turn him over to the care of someone else. Like its just that easy... It's sweet you try to understand, but you don't.

Yes dear, you couldn't be more right. As she spoke those words, I realized just how much I don't understand. Tonight, once again I am undone. Undone in the best but most challenging way. I married to a magnificent woman, who I under appreciate and unintentionally neglect. Forgive me for my stupidity, dearest one.

My wife is my hero... a superhuman, who cares, truly cares about her patients. She takes patient care to whole new level. She actually cares about the patient (this in no way implies others don't).

Life and death are more than just sayings in her line of work. Life and death are realities she works in. Life and death are her profession. No, I do not understand. I love this woman... with all that I am and all that I have. What an honor to be called her husband. I am glad I get to be by her side... when she cries.

Bankruptcy

In our current economic crisis, bankruptcy will be the unfortunate choice for many. Businesses as well as individuals will fall victim to having more debt than they have credit. The American society(in general) drank from the cup of plenty, but apparently the cup is no longer full. Perhaps this is good, perhaps not. Time will tell the story. Nonetheless, I would like to speak to another economic crisis, if I may... a spiritual crisis.

Blessed are the poor in spirit,

for theirs is the Kingdom of heaven.

Matthew 5:3

Many will say this is a ridiculous saying and I would not argue. In the American mind (mine included), saying the word "poor" is like saying any of the other dirty little four letter words. We know and understand when people use such language they obviously mean business and/or desire to catch your attention. POOR!

Most of us do not fully understand this word. We have no clue what it means to have nothing. Literally, be unable to make payments, meet needs, so on and so forth. Destitution is a condition we see on commercials, where people are asking us to stand in the gap. But yet here, as Jesus speaks directly to his disciples (in Greek, "learner") and less to directly to the crowds (seen in Matthew's gospel as curious, but disinterested bystanders) says plainly and candidly "You will be happy and content when you declare spiritual bankruptcy."

In most instances of bankruptcy there are still financial responsibilities. The beauty in this instance is the one who comes to collect what is owed, pays your debt for you. In our selfish, backbiting, over-indulgent, unrelenting and unlovable state, the one whom we turn against pursues after us. What foolishness! In our current spiritual state, we owe more than we can pay. Needless to say, we let our eyes overload our stomachs. We to some extent unknowingly have bought lies, deceptions, and manipulation. Believing we could have it all, safety, security, luxury, and success, but in the end regardless of what we perceive to have, we ultimately have nothing. Yes, we are poor in spirit. The creditors are coming, they will cash in. They will take what you don't have and make you pay the price. The wages of sin are death, but the gift of grace is eternal life. Paul uses our language. We always want the bottom line. Well there you have it.

But you have a choice. Recognize your pitiful, decrepit state. Accept that you are poor and destitute. Embrace it actually. Declare your bankruptcy to the King, Jesus Christ. At that moment He will make you whole. There you will find not only your debts paid in full, but a kingdom. A kingdom where life is abundant, hope is the currency, mercy rains down like an spring shower, grace abounds, and you are without burden. There you will find the one who took your debt upon Himself. I don't know about you but when someone pays on my behalf, I am grateful. Imagine an eternity of gratefulness, where the one you are grateful toward is equally grateful toward you. There you will experience true love and grace.

Oh, I declare I am bankrupt. I am destitute and desperate. I am the worst of the worst. I live in the depths of debt spiritually. I have turned with reckless abandon toward my own selfish desires. Sin is my nature and my desire. Oh God! I am a complete wreck. I am damaged goods. Hear my cry, I am poor. I say it again, I am totally bankrupt. I can't be trusted with your kingdom, but yet somehow I know you will entrust it to me and any of other poor fool who gives ourselves away to you. I do not understand your love or your grace, but I seek to embrace them. Father, keep my mind wrapped around my bankruptcy so that I may depend solely on your provisions and there be room enough in me to receive them. In Christ Jesus' name, Amen.

A Handout

Interestingly enough, I discovered this week that people, in general, fight the idea of free. There appears to be a fear of the handout.

For example, at my place of employment we were offering customers a card that provided them with a code for a free music download. Almost without fail, every person would respond,"what's the catch?"

This morning a friend of mine from LHC was telling me about his experience handing out free toothbrushes in the community. He said he had a man raise his voice at him declaring that NOTHING IS FREE. There were even a contigent of girl scouts selling leftover cookies who commented on the situation, "We are having better luck selling stuff than you are giving it away free."

I surmise that there exist a "strings-attached" syndrome. Maybe it's a lack of trust or just a simple guilt complex where we feel a sense of "IOU" regardless. Maybe the American way has taken root: if you want something you work hard to get it. Perhaps, people have simply lost the understanding of charity. I believe the more likely issue is pride.

This week's events have led me to begin to understand people's subtle and outright refusal of the Gospel. In the Ragamuffin Gospel, Brennan Manning states, "Jesus comes not for the super-spiritual but for the wobbly and the weakkneed who know they don't have it all together, and who are not too proud to accept the handout of amazing grace." Read that line again. Yahweh's amazing, matchless, uncomprehendable grace is a handout. That's right friends Yahweh hands out His grace as a free gift. No, you don't work to earn it. You don't just happen onto it. You don't even ask first. Yahweh hands you grace. But that doesn't make it cheap.

Go ahead, let the handout image take root. I'll even help. When most us of hear the word" handout" we immediately assume poor, needy, some when even goes as far to say, "those who are looking for an easy way out." You got that visual... Good, welcome to grace.

People accept handouts because their need overrules their pride. The only sense the needy know takes the shape of desperate. A person in real need becomes reckless-abandon in getting what is required for survival. The recognized need must be met and will readily be done so through whatever means necessary. Yes, even a handout. And no fellow skeptics, it's not stealing when you take something that has been freely offerred.

And for those of us who suffer from the "strings-attached" syndrome, you are justified but only on the past tense. Christ cut the strings when He gave His life on a tree. He took our curse. What we should have had to work for in terms of the Law... He fulfilled with His complete obedience even into death. The moment his life was cut short by death on the cross, so were the strings. So, I remind you this handout of grace is not cheap. It came at the price of life. I know your still wondering. Thats cool, let's consider the otherside of the coin. Now that I've taken the handout, what next?

The beauty of free grace... no expectations. Let's use logic here for a moment, the most likely thing to occur when you accept a handout is you take advantge of possessing it. If someone handed you a million dollars you would effectively put it to use. When people accept the handout of grace they are overwhelming compelled to experience it fully. And that's when life gets interesting... A free gift of grace transforms you into a being who is indeed free. Free from the eternal bondage of sin and it's effects (death, seperation, shame, etc). Free from oh yes religious expectations. Free from any type of limitation. Admit it, the whole "free" idea completely scares you. I bet it even makes you uncomfortable.

You're thinking to yourself: Thats just not kosher. You right, it's not. It's grace and by the way, did i mention it's a handout? Don't let the hand of God scare you... He holds life in it and He's offereing it to you, and to everyone who has need. He does reach down to give you punishment and take away everythingnwe consider as life. Quite the contrary, He offers life more abundant. Aren't you tires of living in a cage? You know you want to be free, but are you ready to admit you need to be free? Yahweh's hand is out and it's free for you...
Ready to take a handout?

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