Not Ready

I made a hard discovery today... saying goodbye to your 6 month old grips your heart with grief. The length of time does not lessen the pain. I never imagined going away for the weekend would be this difficult.

As I drove Ella to daycare this afternoon, my heart literally ached. I reached into the backseat and just held her hand as we rode along. She did not fight my grip but yet seemed to understand it's purpose and just sat quietly and stared out the back window of my truck. Words abandoned me. All I could say was, " I love you Ella, I love you, I love you, I love you." over and over again. I didn't cry but I wanted to.

We pulled into daycare and I struggled to get out of the truck. Perhaps they just wouldn't notice my absence... Yes, I thought it. I unbuckled my seatbelt, got out of the truck, and made my way around to the passenger side to get Ella out of the backseat. As I reached to undo her safety belts, she looked up at me as to say, "Don't go Daddy." I choked the tears down and took her inside. As I expected she refused to give me any affection as I placed her in the exersaucer of her choosing. Play was for more interesting than Daddy saying goodbye. Besides, in her precious mind nothing was different today.

Today was different for me Ella and I am not ready. I'm not ready to say goodbye, for any amount of time. So, farewell for now. I will be back and I will be ready to see you and your mommy. I will be ready to love on you both and let you put my broken heart back together. I love you both. Will be home soon.

Touchdown Jesus Burning

It's Not Just Retail

Today, as I drove to work, I found myself unconsolably excited. Sure, going to work meant leaving my precious daughter and her infectious smiles for the day, but I have to work. Nonetheless, days like today make it all worth it.

I work at a retail store for a fruity company. Today, we made a rather significant announcement about a product we sell that turns out is wildly popular or at least has been 3 times before today's announcement. However, anytime our fruity company makes an announcement about something new there never ceases to be a tremendous amount of excitement and sheer curiosity at the workplace.

I arrived to work right as the big announcement presentation was beginning. All the employees were focused on the liveblogs that were providing minute by minute updates of our fearless leader's comments and actions. Work was getting done efficiently and effectively, however, everyone's attention was on a conference in a land not so far away, on a stage, where one man would reveal one product. With bated breath, we all watched and waited for the official announcement. I can't even begin to tell you what joy fills my soul experiencing grown men and women act as giddy as little kids on Christmas morning. I realize very few things make adults act in such childish ways, but our company bring out the kid in us often. I love it.

After almost two hours of waiting and hoping, our dreams were fully realized. The announcement that could be heard round the world finally hit our ears. We read it, we heard it and we were beside ourselves. We celebrated, we coveted, we laughed, we hi-fived, we gawked, we smiled, we filled with pride, but most importantly we all believed. Great day to be at work. What we do is not just retail. We are a part of something bigger, something better. We are a family. A family that truly does think different and is different. I am thankful to be a part.

Never Let Go

Occasionally, one will find themselves lost in a moment, caught up in something they never saw coming or even fully understood why or even what was happening. That moment happened to me this evening.

As I drove Ella home from a brief visit with Mommy at the hospital, I reached over to secure the pacy in Ella’s mouth when as I was letting go she grabbed my finger. Her four long, precious fingers locked around mine. She locked her grip with her little thumb. Tears welled up in my eyes as I felt her grip tighten. Her little fingers pressed firmly around mine effectively communicated that her intention was to never let go. She needed her daddy and holding his finger was just enough to satisfy. As she squeezed my finger it was as if she was saying to me, “Daddy, never let go.” I whispered to my daughter that I would never let go. Actually, there is no way I could ever let go.

Indeed, I will never let go of the love that I feel for her. I will never let go of the joy she brings to my life. I will never let go of the precious smile that lights up the room. I will never let go the happiness that I can’t even begin to explain. I will never let go of the precious gift of life I have been generously given. I will never let go of you Ella. You have my heart, my life little one... I beg you, never let go.

A Look into My Life (Social Media Style)

As I have been reflecting on the recent birth of my daughter, I cannot get over how social media and modern technology allowed me the opportunity to share the life-changing event with my community. I got to enjoy the full experience of watching the miracle of life and yet got to keep family and friends in the loop as events occurred.

After making the realization that my community got share in the moment, my heart was immediately warmed and I knew I was a part of something bigger than myself and the moment. I was connected to loved ones even though I was completely caught up in the moment.

People were able to meet my precious girl almost moments after she first entered the world, even though they were no where near the event. AT&T probably felt a measurable SMS and MMS surge as text message flew in and out of my phone all day. I lit up my Twitter and Facebook feeds all day. I posted pictures and updates as quickly as humanly possible. My feeds were a stream of consciousness as I watched my life-change before my eyes. My mind and heart exploded onto social media and my community got to be a part if they so choose.

Why do I find this happening interesting you ask? In my honest opinion, I found a way to involve others into my life and my life-changing event without missing a thing. It also revealed to me how much people I am connected to care and want to be involved in my life. I don't want to down play the importance of actual interaction with others, but this was as close as many I know could get and I was happy to have them there.

How has social media and/or technology impacted your life?

open thoughts

I am making the realization that there truly is a difference between life-change and transformation.

On January 26 I experienced life change. Last Tuesday Sara and I welcomed our precious daughter Ella into our world and our family. No ifs, ands, or buts about it... Life changed. In a great way I might add. The moment Ella was born I became a dad, a biological dad. See for me that was a life change. I changed from just a husband to a dad as well.

I am realizing, however, that I did not become a father at that moment. Sure maybe in title, but not for real. I am only beginning to realize that I have been and continue to be transformed into a father. As you well know transformation doesn't happen in an instant(as much as my generation has come to expect). Transformation doesn't even happen overnight. Transformation is a a process, an ongoing and active process. It requires time, a good bit of it actually. Quite frankly, I am good with that time requirement.

I am ready to learn along the way. I am prepared for it not to come naturally and that I will have to work for it. I believe I will survive and be the better for it.

I give thanks that fatherhood is not only life-changing but a transformational experience. One that I will cherish forever.

Do you think there is a difference between life-change and transformation? Let me know in the comments.

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

Play Time

Sara and I decided tonight that the reason Ella has postponed her entrance to the world is due to a lack of play on our part. We did not come to this conclusion lightly. Allow me to explain.

The past few days, Ella has been toying with us. Playing with our minds and emotions. One would think she had read the textbook on things to do before birth. She was meeting all the right indicators... everything seemed in place for the big event. The stage was set but the star of the show got cold feet.

This evening as Sara was getting ready to go to work, we decided that two could "play" this game. We tag-teamed. Determined that if play is what she wanted play is what she would get. We spent close to probably 30 to 45 minutes just poking her and pushing her back and forth (gently of course). All the while, she played back. A kick here, a shift there, at one point we even got her to put her legs back under her belly (we know this because we couldn't find the leg anywhere). That's when we realized Ella was done with play time. The mommy and daddy were fun but enough was enough. She needed her beauty rest I suppose, either that or we bored her.

The reality at this point is Sara will continue playing the game. Ella doesn't realize how competitive her mommy is and can be. Ella raised the stakes. Now, the mommy is playing for keeps or at least to start labor. It will be interesting to see who gives first. Both parties involved, I know, are strong-willed and determined. Neither of them will get the best of the other easily. The game is on. Both Sara and Ella are in it to win it. The good news for Sara, Ella's already got a head down (yes, she's head down). The good news for Ella, play time happens regardless if she's in the womb or out. Ella, mommy and daddy are ready for some real play time on this side of things. Join us and see just how much fun we can be. We dare you.